Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
