As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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