loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
