Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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