So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
party gras won. party gras always wins.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Vodka?
Forever.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
