sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
