oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
