Did you just see the Batmobile???
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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