new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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