I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
