I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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