Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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