I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
