Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
If I die, sorry about rent.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
