I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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