Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
