You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
