She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
