billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
