I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
drinking out of a sandbucket again
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
