he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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