Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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