Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
