Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
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Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Houston, we have a squirter
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Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
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