She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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