She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
