Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
