how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
