It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
