morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
