Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
