Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
