i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
