I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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