I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
