I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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