Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
