all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
