I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
