I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
