Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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