i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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