her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
