my room smells like sperm. sweet.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
