I feel like abortions should bother me more
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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