ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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