I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
