Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
