Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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