I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Terrible idea I love it
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
