I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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