you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
