i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
