Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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