His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
