Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
