What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
