you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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