Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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